Sitting in a parking lot, munching on a burger and fries, I pondered my life – where it’s at, where it’s heading, and where I want it to go.
My job, my home, my relationships, my education, my goals… am I actively choosing them, or am I passively staying put? Am I pursuing what I want, or just sticking with what I’ve already got? Am I serving God in each area, or just meandering through? Am I offering all I have, or simply all I can muster at the time?
What am I working towards? What do I want? What are my hopes?
Some things I know for certain; others leave lingering questions that can’t seem to be answered in the 15 minutes it takes to consume a combo meal. I notice that in each area of my life there are hopes blooming in my heart, but I’m not sure whether to welcome them or wish for them to disappear. I’m not sure whether to desire them or dismiss them. I am well aware that opening my heart to a dream is synonymous with becoming vulnerable. With hope comes fear.
Vulnerability makes me cringe – cringe with excitement and cringe with anxiety. Hope and fear. Will I be received or rejected? Will I experience the thrill of adventure or the devastation of defeat? Will I find life or lose heart? Will I feel like I tasted, like I trusted, like I lived? Or will I feel unsatisfied, unsuccessful, and deeply wounded?
Lies and truths bombard my mind simultaneously, warring against one another, fighting for my heart. The truths awaken hope. The lies awaken fear. The truth speaks of all I was made to be; the lies scream that I am good for nothing. The truth says I was made for God; the lies say I was made for myself. The truth says I am beautiful. The lies say I am worthless. The truth says God is the standard for measuring “success” in this life. The lies say the world is. The truth says possible failure is just a part of the journey; the lies say it will be the end of my journey. I bounce back and forth between the two, unable to make decisions because I’m not sure what I believe.
I have hope, and I have fear. I’m at a crossroads. To accept one, I must accept the other. To travel towards hope, I must allow vulnerability to accompany me. To bypass hope because I’m afraid of fear, means I must sit still and travel nowhere.
So I crumble my hamburger wrapper, take the hand of vulnerability, and journey forward. With hope and with fear.
2 comments:
I have a confession to make. I have visited your blog alot this week in anticipation of a new writing. And I was pleased when there was one today. I so appreciate you sharing your heart.
The truth is . . . most of us wrestle with the very things you write about. Even the beautiful women in the movies that you wrote about the other day.
This morning I read about God's grace lavished on me in Christ. I read about being chosen and forgiven. So why do I often live in such mediocrity and defeat? Cuz' I listen to the lies instead of the truth, huh?!!
flesh vs Spirit. Life vs. death. Encouragement vs. Discouragement.
Maybe that's why He tells us to take one day at a time. And to take each thought captive.
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