Friendship Matters

Ponytails bounced behind my head as I skipped proudly across the playground, hand in hand with my best friend, Rachael. We stopped by the ball box where I had left my backpack, and I unzipped the front pocket searching for the envelope I’d been dying to show her. Reaching inside, I pulled out the crisp, white paper and moved the pointed flap back, revealing the two necklaces that waited inside – one for Rachael and one for me. Each necklace contained half of a heart with a jagged inner edge. When placed side by side the halves interlocked revealing a completed heart with the inscription “Best Friends.” Many other girls in our class had them – each set partnered off, marked with matching chains.

It was a grand moment for me. Having a best friend was of utmost importance during my elementary days. And this mindset carried on through middle school, where scratching names on textbooks beside the letters “BFF” became the new form of claiming high friendship status. Gossiping and boys were added to the mix, however, making the friendship dynamic a bit harder and much more dramatic.

Looking back as an adult, I have often laughed at the immaturity of those days - the selfishness, the ups and downs, the teenage drama. I feel relieved that I’m more independent now, and not so desperately attached to the acceptance of my friends. And though this personal growth is good, I was reminded yesterday that reaching maturity can never be achieved through the elimination of friendships, but rather can only happen when friendship is vibrant, healthy, and fully embraced.

The insight I gleaned was from an article on the Boundless Webzine written by Jenny Schroedel. This article sparked new excitement about the growth and beauty of the relationships I currently have. It also motivated me to reach out beyond the existing relational confines, seeking to bless and be blessed. As I read her words, my mind zipped back to the memories of young friendship and I realized that, though these relationships were “elementary”, they still spoke volumes about my soul, about my nature, about my needs.

Shroedel’s friendship “pointers” pointed me back to the heart of Christian fellowship. And so I share them with you now:

Be Flexible
Years ago a pastor offered this advice. He said, “Expect nothing from other people.” At the time, I thought this was a strange idea. I figured that if you expected nothing, you would get what you expected. Over the years, I’ve come to see that while I do need to set reasonable goals for myself, I do well to keep my expectations for others modest. If we can break free from high expectations for others, then we are more likely to be able to accept – and enjoy – them as they are.

Perhaps the quickest way to kill a new friendship is to expect – or demand – too much. I tend to retreat from people who expect things from me that I can’t give…

If you can lower your expectations, not only are you likely to reduce your own frustration, but you might be able to better see the other person’s gifts. Sometimes our own expectations blind us to the grace before us. We come so fixated on what we want – or what we imagine we need – that we miss the gift that is being offered.

Years ago, a friend and I were at a Chinese restaurant, and she cracked open a fortune cookie to reveal this ticklish proverb: “Alas, the onion you are eating may be someone else’s water lily.” An unopened water lily does resemble an onion, bitter and unappealing.

But often things are more than they appear at first glance – and it’s often this way with relationships. If you can take a step back and allow a friendship to unfold on its own terms, you’re more likely to glimpse the water lily. Preconceived ideas of how things should or must be leave us grasping after onions.

Rejoice in the Other
It becomes more possible to weather another person’s shortcomings when you’re able to see their strengths. I can tell that a friendship is growing when I begin to genuinely enjoy another person’s gifts – not feel threatened or envious of them, but rejoice in them as if they were my own.

I’ve never understood why some people provoke envy, while others – even extremely talented people – don’t. It might have something to do with transparency. The more deeply we know another person’s secret hopes and anguishes – and the more we can identify with their struggles – the less inclined we are to envy them, the more eager we are to see them succeed.

Be Transparent
… As I get closer to people I’m less included to jump to simple conclusions about their life and struggles (or how I might fix them). As the “armchair adviser” in me recedes, compassion, sadness and hope grow. As one of my mentors told me, “When you really get to know another person, sometimes all you’ll want to do is weep.”

Transparency fosters this continual revelation. And the more open another person is with me, the more clearly I see the truth of Plato’s saying, “Be kind to everyone you meet, for everyone is waging a terrible internal battle.”

The Ever New
Friendship is not static. It grows as we do – each leg of the journey reveals a fresh landscape, transforming our inner geography as well. The twists of the journey keep friendship fresh, even as the years wear on.

Christopher Bamford, editor-in-chief of Steiner Books, expressed this eloquently when he wrote, “When we speak, even when it is the intimate expression of a deep, personal experience, we are a single voice. We have forgiven each other a thousand times. We have let go of so much that could divide us that we have let go of ourselves. Our relationship seems to exist in and out of the unknown, the ever new.”

Our deepest friendships offer a sense of continual discovery, but they can also provide a sense of consistency during years of change. When I’m around my best friend – who knows my history, foibles and failings and loves me anyway – I am more whole.

This wholeness is fertile soil. We often don’t see or appreciate that soil, but so many seeds sprout here. According to a saying from the Talmud, “Every blade of grass has an angel that bends over it, whispering, ‘grow, grow.’”

And this is what friends do best – they see us, fragile as we are, and whisper “grow, grow” as we push our way up through the soil.


Schroedel, Jenny. “Friendship Among Women.” Boundless Webzine, Focus on the Family. August 2007. 9 August 2007. www.boundless.org.